So Others May Live

I joined the Coast Guard, because NH wasn’t big enough for me. I joined to make something of myself. To make my family proud, to save lives, to be something positive in a world that has become so cynical. I joined to do good.

I’ve been in for close to two years and somewhere through all the days of station life I lost the desire to do good. I’ve gotten so caught up in the political bullshit that is the military that I’ve given up believeing that I can make a difference here.

I was independent and bossy, and I never took no for an answer. Nothing was holding me down, and I was deteremined to make a difference, to become someone. The CG was my answer, in every conceivable way I was driven by the CG and inspired. These days I hate the CG. I think it’s stripped every ounce of kindness I once had and replaced it with bitterness. With an attitude that is likely to get me in trouble, and it’s replaced my hope with doubt. I feel like I’m stuck in an endless cycle of self-doubt and that I will spend my days trying to get into a position where I can make a difference, just to be knocked down again.

I’ve gotten sick lately and because of medical reasons, command has decided it best that I not get underway. I’m charlie, moored at the station, and it’s absolutely killing me. I hate the feeling of being useless, and I hate that people thinking that they need to cater to me because I am sick. At the same a little concern would be nice. But it’s the militay I don’t expect geniune concern. Command’s only concern with my health is that they lost a qualified and experienced crewmember and now face a Ready For Operations inspection with a fairly green crew. So glad that’s why they care.

Today while sitting on watch for the fourth time in two days (as that is all I am allowed to do at this point) I came across a bunch of old photos from the old Life Saving Stations that were the foundation of the Coast Guard. Seeing the men who stood on the very beaches I drive past everyday on my way to the station and seeing everything that they stand for. How much history this service has restored a little hope in me. Those men faced true dangers. They faced death every time they saved a life, risking their lives for a total strangers. That inspires me. I will never be what they were, but I damn well can be better than what I’ve been lately. I can be the one person at this station who gives a damn. I can make changes, even if I have to wait to be given the opportunity. I will not let the station or the people here bring me down anymore. I will be better than what I was and I will do my best to honor the men and women have stood before me and made scrafices to protect others.